I’ve kept promising myself I would begin this, and now I finally am. Perhaps I don’t have the most dynamic or captivating story to tell. But perhaps even just for my own reflection and sanity this may be a help to me.
The past year has been, well, challenging, to say the least. In some ways, I’m not sure who I became, or who I am now. I know so much changed for me, and that I somehow lost the person I know I should be. I know so much changed, and I lost sight of the things that make my life fulfilling. I’ve had to completely reevaluate where I am, where I want to be, and face challenges I either avoided or didn’t anticipate. Yet I realize that 1. I am become a better, strong person because of this and 2. That I am extremely lucky in many ways, and could hardly say that my life is miserable.
I’m not sure where to start.
It’s interesting how people always want to know how and when “the eating thing” started. I don’t have a good answer for that. It wasn’t a single moment or instant… It slowly grew and grew until it took over… I let it take over, I suppose you could say. Though I convinced myself I was still perfectly in control. I believed I was doing right by my body, not eating anything fattening and staying active with a rigid exercise routine. I refused to admit that it had become an obsession, and I refused to see that I had dropped beyond a healthy weight, to a weight that was neither attractive or even modestly healthy.
It took awhile for me to finally open my eyes enough to see it. And it took a lot of assistance from some wonderful people in my life.
I remember stepping on the scale and seeing the number 64. And how much it frightened me. And realizing that I had to change.
For me, it was never really about reaching a perfect weight, or even feeling like I as extremely overweight. I do believe I started out with good intentions- eating healthier and getting my body good exercise. Somewhere along the line though, I started to become inflexible and incapable of, well, having a normal perspective of food. Anything with fat had to be eliminated. The foods I found acceptable to eat became smaller and smaller. I couldn’t finish the foods I did allow myself to eat- I didn’t need or deserve the calories.
The control felt good. It was something I could do well. I was proud that I could survive on so little; it made me feel strong. I wasn’t weak and lazy, I had self control, I was not going to become like the thousands of obese Americans out there.
Skipping a morning or running or walking was unacceptable. Eating the entire bagel for breakfast was unnecessary- I didn’t need all of the calories. Going out to eat was extremely uncomfortable- everything had too much fat and caused me so much anxiety. I didn’t want to talk about it all I- I refused to acknowledge that my temper had become impossibly short, that I was treating everyone as an enemy and that I was changing as a person. That I wasn’t thinking as clearly and that I had become… someone else.
It took loosing just about every good thing in my life for me to truly see where I had brought myself.
First it was the job. Which is still hard for me to discuss. I made a mistake and I had to face the consequences. Then it was the car accidents, then it was James. The car accidents were, well, accidents. It’s easy to attribute them to the eating disorder specifically but it’s easy to make that association. And James, well… That is something else all together, a separate entry all it’s own.
What matters now, though, is that I am moving forward. Every day gets a little easier, at least in many ways. I feel like I have a fresh start, and that I have to take this opportunity to set things right, so to speak. I have started learning to enjoy life again, to not let myself be consumed with anxiety and feelings of unworthiness. Life has to keep going and right now I can just keep making positive steps forward.
I will end here for now, but I hope to continue more soon. I’m sorry if this is a little sporadic or disjointed. And any/all feedback is certainly welcome and appreciated.
Right now, I’m glad to be in Florida, spending some time with my dad and enjoying the beautiful beach and sunshine.